No Glue Required

People are funny. They're always trying to set other people up. Don't they realize there's this thing called attraction? And it's 100% natural; no artificial colors or flavors. Boy only needs to meet girl for boy to want girl, yet some people think they have to force boy and girl together. You don't. Remember that attraction thing? If is ain't there, there's no sticking boy and girl together, no matter how much glue you use. But if there is attraction, it's like sticking a wet tongue to a flag pole—they'll stick together just fine on their own. No glue required. Really, it works. Thousands of years of trials and tests have proven it. Try it out for yourself.

The same is true for the rabbit race. Rabbit race? Don't I mean rat race? No, rabbit race. The rat race is the pursuit of money and power. The rabbit race is the pursuit of...something a bit more fun than money and power combined. Still don't know what it is? Ask your more educated friends. The ones witht he stupid grins on their faces. They know what it is, and they'll have fun explaining it to you.

Men and women are naturally attracted to each other like opposite ends of a magnet. Opposites attract. Negative sticks to positive. Boy sticks to girl. No glue required.

So why is are busybody old ladies, senile old men, and the rest of the married population trying to get me married? What's the deal? Is there a conspiracy? Do you they win a prize if I get married? Did they lose a bet?

There are a few possiblities.

One: They are so happy and marriage is so wonderful that they want to share the joy with others. If this were true, why are there so many divorces? Why is marriage counseling an occupation? Who needs counseling if everything's bliss? Usually counselors are there to help parties deal with their problem and cope with terrible pain. Problems and pain. Number one's not looking too promising.

Number Two: Marriage is a terrible mistake and those who've made it don't want to be the only ones. Misery loves company. The mistake isn't so bad if everyone else made it too. The existence of divorce and marriage counselors tends to support this possibility.

Number Three: Anyone still single will be abducted by aliens and have unspeakable experiments performed on them, and married people are just trying to help their fellow man. I'm not sure how to disprove it, but I'm glad I don't have experience first hand to support it.

Knowing why people insist on playing matchmaker helps me decode their secret language and codewords when describing girls they know.

"Oh she's very sweet." Yeah, well, so is antifreeze, but I don't wanna get to know it up close and personal.

"She's a very special girl." She's special all right—Special Ed!

"She's a ... cute girl." Translation: Plain Jane face that even a mother has trouble loving.

"She's nice." If she's so nice, why is she still single?

The older I get, the less important things like looks, personality, or a prison record become to other people when choosing a match for me. It seems being single is the only factor that counts and any single female is my soulmate. Who cares if she has nothing going for her? I'm single so apparently nothing is going for me. Who cares if there's no chemistry? She's single—what more should I expect at my age. I'm always amazed at the social derilects I get set up with. Do people really think that little of me? Am I really that pathetic in their eyes? Should I take this as a hint about their true opinion of me? Or maybe they really do think I'm the most wonderful person in the world, and they're jealous, and they want to bring me down and make me as miseralbe as they are. Neither option is very good.

I have faith I'll find someone, I won't have to settle, and I won't need any help getting together with her. When I find the right perosn, we'lll be together, stuck together tighter than a cat on a high branch—no glue required.

©2004 Jeff Thomason